The ULTIMATE Survey!
 Yes, every survey claims to be the ultimate survey...

 1. Who?:  Mark Adams (otherwise known as Freak Out Adams, Famous Mel, Elvis, Rudy, Andre, Mark Adams Dot Com the Other White Dot Com Meat!, Briefcase, the Orange Baang!, and "that guy")

 2. What?:  UCLA Student/Paid Actor/CEO of the Mark Adams Network/Store Operational Clerk at the UCLA Store (a.k.a. Random Cashier)

 3. Where?:  Covina, CA or Los Angeles, CA depending on the time of day and what day it is

 4. When?:  24 hours a day, 7 days a week.  I never close!

 5. Why?:  I'd explain, but apparently I can't.  I know not the meaning of life!

 6. How?:  Astrologically, that's how!

 7. How much?:  Lots!  As much as possible!!!

 8. Did you drink the water?:  well...yes!  I'm sooooooo ashamed!  *sobs*

 9. Do you have a life?  Explain:  Well, if being at UCLA for approximately 14 hours every day (including 3 hours commute back and forth), sleeping for 5 hours or less, studying for 3 hours or less, and working out for 2 hours or less counts as having a life, then yes!  Thank you for asking!  (I have my weekends though!).

 10. God talks to Satan about baseball.  Which team does each root for?  Will 
 this factor into the result of the next world series?:  God would probably root for the Angels (pun indeed intended) because they are a huge underdog (and there's that movie about God helping the Angels win the pennant).  Satan, however, has a short attention span (he told me himself!) and prefers not to have to sit through 9 innnings of a ball being thrown around (enough of that occurs in hell anyway!), so Satan is an Ultimate Fighting Fan.  His fav competitor is probably Vitor Belfort, the crazy Brazilian!

 11. Train A. leaves Boston at 600 miles per hour.  Train B. leaves Los 
 Angeles at 3:30 P.M.  Not knowing the time of departure of Train A., the 
 speed of Train B., the direction that either one of them is heading, or what 
 the price of tea in China is, when will these two trains collide?:  Elementary!  If the price of tea in China was to increase to the equivalent of 2 British pounds a case, then strange phenomena would occur.  First, every cow in India would tip over, causing a massive earthquake in the surroundings.  Next, India would float southeast, colliding and destroying everything in its path until coming to a harsh rest at Austrailia, creating a new continent (which I will deem Indiailia).  Then, the Indiailians would invade America from both coasts and move into the middle of the country by hijacking trains A and B respectively.  Finally, after nuclear toothpaste is discovered in Kansas, the two trains will be magnetically drawn to the main nuclear toothpaste plant in Wichita, where they will collide into each other, destroy the factory and all of Kansas!!!  I hope this answers your question.

 12. Who's your daddy?:  The mythological Glenn Adams, CEO and founder and Commander-in-Chief and Supreme Emperor and head guy of Galactic Anthems Inc.  (http://www.galacticanthems.com)

 13. Are you superstitious?:  Only on February 28th at 10pm (that's when the Elephant fairies come out!  Ghastly!!!)

 14. Do you believe in deja vu?:  Why yes!

 15. Do you believe in deja vu?:  Why yes!

 16. Do you believe in deja vu?:  Why yes!

 17. Are you in love, or do I have to walk by again?:  Only 2.48567845 more times and then I'll be hooked!

 18. WOW!  THERE'S A HOLLANDAR PITTS NETWORK?!?:  YES!  http://drink.to/hollandarpitts

 19. Do you care not for such silly things?:  My name is not Angelo, thank you!

 20. If Jesus were alive today, would he have been called Hallalana?:  yes.  yes he would.

 21. Virginia Cleary: Red-head or myth?:  Both!  Who wants Virginia Cleary class?  (300 hands are raised).

 22. So what if I'm alive?:  Then you are breathing.  By this, oxygen is entering your lungs via the nose and mouth and is evenly distributed through the alimentary canal and the bloodstream.  By this, oxygenated blood is evenly distributed throughout your body, most importantly to your brain, allowing you to be coherent.  Hence, if you are alive, you will be able to interpret how over thorough this answer is.

 23. If Bill Clinton asked you to babysit his daughter, would you be worried?  
 Explain in 50 words or more.:  Nah!  I think Chelsea needs a little bit of Adams discipline, if ya know what I mean  *wink wink, nudge nudge*.  Of course, a large sized paper bag must be placed over her head first in order to prevent any psychological trauma (on both parties).  If Slick Willie found out about this, well I'll just let him know that our activites are not sexual in nature, since no penetration would occur between us.  Afterwards, Chelsea would thank me for her discipline and beg for more (I would deny of course!).  Has this been 50 words yet?

 24. California or Stanford?:  Stanford is IN California!!!  DUUUUUUUUH!!!!!!!!!

 25. Do you have a problem with U.S.C.?:  Well, I am a UCLA student and enrollment policy requires full 24 hour hatred of USC, otherwise I am STD (subject to dismissal, perv!).  I can't even like the color red!!!

 26. If you could live in Montana rent-free, but could only go out at night 
 and had to spend your days with an unusually insane person named Octavio-Jam 
 Reyes-Smith, would you do it?:  Of course!!!  Octavio and I would reminice(sp?) on our days in the Dominican Republic.  ÀSeria un bien viva, verdad?

 27. Have you ever been formally charged with assault?:  no but I've been the artist formally known as Mel!

 28. How do you sleep?:  I don't understand this question.

 29. Is your name Nahdia?:  Only in Lebanon.

 30. If it is, have people asked you why you spell it "Nahdia" and not 
 "Nadia"?:  I don't bother spelling it out, so people don't really ask.

 31. If it isn't, do you know anyone named Nahdia?:  Of course!!  Nahdia from the Charter Oak District of Covina!!!  HI NAHDIA!!!!!!!!

 32. If you got this survey, do you realize that Nahdia was one of the initial 
 recepients of it?:  yes.  yes I do.

 33. Does Eric have too much free time?:  Eric has as much free time as I have hair on my legs (I won't go into detail).

 34. If today were Saturday, would you be sleeping?:  I'd be at Disneyland, Magic Mountain, or working at UCLA.  What is this "sleeping" you keep blabbering about?!

 35. What if God was one of us?:  You mean just a stranger on a bus trying to make his way home?  Hmmm!  Never really thought about it.

 36. Do you believe in deja vu?:  Why yes!

 37. Do I confuse you?:  Do I confuse you?

 38. In 432 words or less, explain to me why I'm here:  Because.

 39. Isn't Hanson's new single the best?:  I don't listen to Hansen.  They are a bunch of breast-fed, pubery avoiding, pussies  (sorry Xan!).

 40. Is it just me, or is this question 40?:  It's just you.  Actually this is question "sin (piÖ6)Öcos (piÖ4) X 12.5493865".

 41. Elian Gonzalez: Worthy of our national spotlight, or the press's glamour 
 boy?:  GLAMOUR BOY!!!  Imagine if Elian was some middle aged, dirty, uneducated Cuban man, no one would care. (even if the Dolphins attempted to eat him!)

 42. Is Fidel Castro worthy of our fear?:  Sure.  Why not?  We have FIFTY states, so there!  ::Gives raspberry::

 43. Did you at any time have a crush on Fidel Castro?:  I think my dog did.

 44. Are you a closet Communist?:  Nope!  Communism doesn't work because we are all selfish bastards who only care for our own interests.

 45. Are you a closet Democrat?:  Nope!  Democracy doesn't work because we are all selfish bastards who only care for our own interests.

 46. If it were an option, would you live in a broom closet with Elmo?:  I don't think Elmo would be able to stand me.  (And in case you're wondering, I wouldn't tickle him once!)

 47. Have you ever been to Mark Adams dot com, the OTHER WHITE dot com MEAT?  
 If not, why not?  If so, what did you think of the nifty shortcut url 
 of http://bowl.to/markadams?:  Have I!?!?!?!  I am the CEO of the Mark Adams Network!  ::BEGIN AD::  PLASTIC SURGERY DONE SOCIOLOGICALLY, NO EXPERIENCE NECESSARY, WITHOUT DULL OBJECTS, ONLY AT MARK ADAMS DOT COM, THE OTHER WHITE DOT COM MEAT!*
*this advertisement does not necesarily reflect the views of Mark Adams Dot Com.

 48. Let's face it.  This survey is pointless!:  DUH!  

 49. At what time did you finish this survey?  If you can't remember, just 
 guess:  At 9:40pm on a Tuesday night!

 50. To love or to live?:  How about to lave (look it up)?

 51. Is the night dark?:  Only when its not light.

 52. Have you ever been affiliated with the University of Southern 
 Pennsylvania?:  No.  Maybe Pennsylvania Mark Adams, but not me.

 53. Have you ever heard of the University of Southern Pennsylvania?:  I have now.
   
 54. Did I just invent the University of Southern Pennsylvania?:  I hearby plead the fifth on this overly personla question.

 55. How did you learn about sex?:  From a book, friends, and minor experimentation.

 56. Who's the bigger killer, Dubya or Friar Jeb?:  Dubya!  He one pissed motha!

 57. Cal Lutheran or Pac Lutheran?:  Lutherans worship Bob.

 58. If you could be Xandra for a day, would you spend the day online or in 
 the classroom?:  the classroom.  then I'd hit on each female classmate AND her roommates.  (boy would they all be suprised!)

 59. On a scale of 1 to 100, how extra-medium are you?:  the number "e".

 60. Today's the day?:  Tomorrow's the night!

 61. How many pounds did you gain or lose in the last 25 minutes?:  seven!

 62. What was your birthweight?  Round off to the thousandth of an ounce: 7 pounds 6.02 ounces

 63. Do you have the time to listen to me whine?:  As long as it's not about nothing and everything all at once.

 64. Do you give yourself the creeps?:  Sometimes.

 65. Does your mind play tricks on you?:  Sometimes.

 66. Am I just paranoid, or am I stoned?:  Uh-yuhyuhyuh!

 67. Does Green Day have problems?:  of course they do.  THEY SUCK!

 68. Pinnochio: Man or myth?:  Currently a study is being done as to solve this problem but philosopher Abe Roth, Ph.D. and James Winter have discovered ethical discrepencies.  Roth and James believe there is no importance to the above question because Pinnochio(chet) does not exist in our plane of existence.  "Sure," states James, "we could debate Shoes versus Doors, but this wouldn't solve the problem of demarcating Pinnochio[chet].  We could say that only Pinnochio[chet] exists and we don't, but then only Pinnochio[chet] could prove himself to exist and no one could prove him true or false."  To find out more about this visit the Philosophy Department of UCLA.  (http://www.ucla.edu)

 69. Pinochet: Political victim or Political bad guy?:  See above (or below).

 70. What do you think of Rwanda?:  I think Wanda's pissed at her parents for putting an "R" in front of her name!

 71. Saddam Hussein is looking at you funny.  What might this mean?:  He wants me (or I've got spinich in my teeth, but probably the former).

 72. Has masturbation simply become cruel?:  yes.  yes it has.

 73. Is Nahdia angry with me for including question 72?:  yes.  yes she is.

 74. Was question 73 necessary?:  yes.  yes it was.

 75. Do you believe in deja vu?:  Why yes!

 76. Have I passed the 75 question mark?:  Only in your mind!

 77. Why does Stageworks have a back room?:  *wink wink, nudge nudge*

 78. Who won: Valerie or the Machine?:  Valerie sat on the Machine's lap, causing it to overflow with information, thereby causing it to explode.  Valerie then moved on, in order to find more hapless victims to sit on  (Watch out!  She's got a killa' Ghetto Booty!)

 79. I love all of you!  How do you feel about that?:  thanks!  we love you too!!

 80. Does FREAK-OUT! Adams have a nice ring to it?:  Only if you're a basketball player.

 81. Do you have a long commute?:  HAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  I HAVE THE COMMUTE!  My best-friend Benny and I drive from Covina (in central San Gabriel Valley) to Westwood (a westernmostpoint of LA) during the heart of rush hour each way.  each way, this could take 45 minutes to 3 hours!

 82. Do you love Ellie?:  Of course I do!!

 83. Do you think Ellie is cool?:  I do, but I hardly know her.

 84. I believe Ellie is a very beautiful individual.  Explain, in 500 words or 
 fewer, why I waited until question 84 to state this fact:  Because!

 85. Is there a Steve?:  there is.

 86. Who is the AntiSteve?:  Some say Melanie Larsen.  Some say Jason Koutsakos.  But I say Nay Nay!  The Anti-Steve is...(this space intentionally left blank by the censors).

 87. Who is the AntiSpork?:  Eric!

 88. What is your reality car?:  The 1986 Volvo DL!  I call it the blue box!

 89. Really, why are we here?:  Because I said you were supposed to be!

 90. Have you ever considered joining a suicide cult?:  Nope, but talk to my Dad about that at his website!

 91. Have you ever been hit on in a club by an Ogre from Dallas while chillin' 
 out with a brunette named Lindsay and her red-headed friend Denise, dating a  
 midget named Paul from Omaha, Nebraska, and being engaged to his best friend 
 Kyle?:  Who told you?????  

 92. Would you like to take a survey about beans?:  No, but I'll take a survey about George Wendt.

 93. Have you ever been to Oz?:  No, and I've never been to KANSAS! either!

 94. Have you ever met someone who went to Oz?:  I met Dorothy.  She's pretty sexy in that outfit ya know!

 95. What color are my eyes when I'm asleep?:  Diarrhea brown (or somewhere around there).

 96. How much did I weigh 5 years ago?  Don't cheat!:  11 stones, give or take.

 97. Did you cheat on this survey?  Be honest:  Well, I did take a peek at the girl sitting next to me  *wink wink, nudge nudge*.

 98. What the heck?:  I know!!!

 99. Do you believe in deja vu?:  I don't understand this question.

 100. What time did you start this survey at?  If you can't remember, 
 estimate:  appoximately 10pm on a Thursday night!